28 March 2006

No more heist movies

I just got done watching "Ocean's Twelve." I know I shouldn't watch these movies, the heists. I get inspired. I want to find a grease man, a bankroller and a lifelong partner in crime. I want to rob from the rich and give to the crew that I've assembled. I want to understand the lingo, train a young partner to be my replacement after my last big score. Oh, yeah, and the car chase where we outrun everything, including radio. Totally got to have that! The travel, the inrigue, the creativity. Man, it just screams to me: get to heisting!
The problem is, I have been in a heist before. A low-key, really silly, not-exactly-a-heist one in high school. We got caught. One guy was bragging, showing off, and the three of us got caught. When my dean asked me if I had learned anything from my heist and arrest and time in jail and my community service, I said, "Yeah. Always work alone." Let's just say it was funnier to her later than it was at that moment.
But what if I hadn't got caught? Someone told me that I reminded them of Rusty Ryan recently. It was because I am always eating, but it's a start...
Then again, jail wasn't very fun. And learning Cantonese wouldn't be very easy.
Y'know, I haven't talked to the guy who got us caught at all in over ten years. Would you?

13 March 2006


I apologize for all of the misspellings, typos and other examples of poor grammar in the previous entry.
It's been a rough weekend, what with food poisoning, working retail and the girl dumping me and all.
That list started about two years ago and has been updated at least monthly since then.
Again, I apologize. That hopefully won't happen agian. Shit. AGAIN.

Those Deserving of a Sound Cockpunch

(In no exact order)

Carrot Top, Scott Stapp, Jared of Subway, The "Zoom-Zoom" Mazda kid (after his nuts drop, of course), that drunken ass in front of Tom @ Ozzfest, Ray, Fred Durst, The Bush Baked Bean guy - and his mutt, Mancow, Regis Muthafuckin' Philbin, Jay Mariotti, Bill Wirtz, Promise Keepers, OJ Simpson and his defense attorneys, Osama bin Laden, Joey Belladonna, anyone who has ever worn a leather jacket of a color besides brown or black, ALL Nazis and KKK jackasses, for that matter anyone who believes in any sort of racism whatsoever (reverse racism is still racism), Hallmark, James Hetfield, Mike McKaskey, people who yell on their cellphones, Saddam Hussein, George W. Bush (may they rot in cells beside each other), most guys under 25, Sonny, parents who try to reason with screaming infants, Earth Firsters, Tom Clymer, any man claiming to be a feminist, animal abusers, people who bring children under six to a movie - especially an R-rated movie, abusive parents, Jehovah's Witnesses - get off of my stoop! Jesse Helms, Siefried (but not Roy. He's all right), Pauly Shore, John Hussmann, P-Puff-Diddly-Doofus - or whatever he's calling himself this week, anyone selling water for more than $2 a bottle - and the fools supporting this by buying it! Nicholas Cage, CEO's, Trent Reznor, Darryl Strawberry, Gavin Rossdale (Gwen is mine, dammit!), that one motherfucker responsible for the assembly of boy bands, Bono (twice), Crazy Town, henpecked jerkwads, Bryant Gumbel, One-Eyed Larry Walker, Marcos, politically correct assholes - thanks for the walls between us; divided we...how's that go again? Norm MacDonald, Wyclef Jean, anyone wearing a visor upside down and backwards - or a ballcap with the bill in any direction other than forwards or backwards, Bill Clinton, the newsmedia who thrives on our fear and pettiness, Rick Roscitt, John travolta, Pat Roberston, George Lucas - leave my childhood alone, fucko! Bono (third time's the charm), L. Ron Hubbard, the kids REALLY responsible for Columbine, the Detroit Red Wings, whoever just farted, old men in shorts, sandals and black socks, Josh, Eric Lindros, Joey Lawrence, Jermaine Dupri, poseurs, Lars Ulrich, Michael Jackson, Pat Buchanan, ugly guys with hot girlfriends, Carson MotherFUCKNG Daly, Napoleonic Jackasses, Mark McGrath, Tommy Lee, Keanu Reeves, Zak de la Rocha, Jim Rome, David Schwimmer - HARD! Deion Sanders, fashion designers, Roger Moore (his Bond sucked!), Steve Vai, DAvid Arquette, you (yeah, you, with the shirt!), Rod Steward, Steve Perry, and anyone who thinks it's cool to have a match in their craw.