23 October 2007

Worst. Hero. Ever.

I have the lamest superpower. Well, maybe not the lamest. I'm not Squirrel Girl, after all. But my power sucks, nonetheless.

I have the ability to subconsciously detect and woo virgin women. This power can extend to women who have never been in a "serious" relationship before, but it mostly applies to physical virginity. We date, fall in love, take care of business, and then she leaves me.

My hero name could be StarterMan, the guy you use to get ready for the real world. Or the Deflowerer, but that doesn't roll off the tongue very well.

Seriously, how many folks do you know that have a 70% virgin-non virgin ratio? I found two over 24. It's gotten to the point where if I find someone cute and interesting, chances are that there's a hymen involved.

It's like I have a V-Chip, but not the device Republicans and lazy parents love.

Is there a BBS or chatroom, a bathroom stall maybe, out there with my face and contact info, saying, "For a first time, call..."?


I would have no problem with having this power if only the stereotype that I had believed in for so long was true. It is the one about how a woman wants to marry the guy she first falls in love and has sex with. Clearly, looking at my track record, it only happens once in seven tries. And she still leaves.

Sweet Jesus, I don't want to find out if it's one in eight. Or nine. If I get to ten, I'm becoming a priest.

-Zeepdoggie

Yes, they really did come up with Squirrel Girl. My faith in comics is more often challenged than my faith in God.

-Z.

3 comments:

Maggie said...

I can't stop laughing. Come on, it's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it. You're doing the world a favor. But stay away from my daughter, k?

Susie Q said...

i am very confused about this whole squirrel girl super hero thing.... "she single-handedly defeated Iron Man's nemesis, the despotic Doctor Doom, overwhelming him with the squirrels under her control."
WHAT?!?! i just...i just... i am just so very confused!

and maybe, in the future, just say no to the virgins.

Zeepdoggie & GringO said...

Such great responses! I feel I must answer back.

It doesn't feel like a favor. It feels more like a duty that I didn't volunteer for and am still responsible for doing correctly. That means it qualifies as a dirty job in more than one way...

Frat House...would work, except that I never bring in the booze to woo them. It beats The Deflowerer, though.

There isn't anybody not confused by Squirrel Girl defeating the greatest villain in the Marvel Universe with squirrels. This guy bitch-slaps the Silver Surfer, and squirrels kick his ass?

And it's not like I go hunting for virgins. It's not really a question you can ask at any point and not be awkward, especially after 22. Imagine when you would want someone to ask, "So, you had sex before or what?"