So the wedding was a lot of fun; weddings usually are. If you're close to the bride or groom, there's the "Look at my friend/family member being so happy" aspect to the joy, or there is the "Hey! Free food and booze!" aspect, and, as it was in this occasion, a little from column A and a little from column B. They are a great couple and I hope it lasts a thousand years; and if not, then at least eighty.
I enjoyed myself, sometimes in spite of myself. I got to say things to people who needed to hear them, I got to get things off of my chest, and I met some people that I am glad to have met. And I also got pretty drunk, which was an oddity for me. I don't like to drink because of the lack of control. Still and all, I had a blast-ee! I ate, I drank, I laughed, I danced, I was a fool with my friends and the time went too quickly!
It was during the wedding, at some point between scotch #3 and martini #2 that I had an epiphany that concerned my last blog entry. I figured out why I took that so hard and let it get to me so much. I cannot imagine anything being more important than being in a loving relationship. Whether that is a deep friendship, a marriage, a close family bond, what have you, nothing is more important than that. Being with someone and sharing yourself with him/her, having those private little beauties that can only exist between the two of you, is the source of the greatest of joys, the pinnacle of blisses and the sweetest of the raptures.
And when I am told that I don't respect that bond, or it is suggested that I am not someone to be considered as a loving person, or deserving of affection, it hurts. It's telling me that I should not have the one thing that I need more than any other. Now I know that my friend was being funny about what she said; I laughed at first. But when I heard it being backed up by several people, all of those others having no concept of who I am at all, that I felt my heart break, just a little.
Being in love with someone brings out the best in me. I am smarter, kinder, more eloquent; I am just plain better when I love someone. It is a special kind of broken that I am, and I don't care at all. When you think about the twisted shit that people need to get out of people, or do to them, just to be happy, desiring to love and be loved is not so bad. I like that defect of mine. Like all things, it's gotten me in trouble, and it has caused me a metric butt-ton of pain, but every time it gets a little bit better, and I love my someone just a little bit more, and I get closer and closer to the me I want to be.
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4 comments:
I am so sorry that my flippant comment affected you so deeply.
I will be one of the first people to step up and say that the more I get to know you, the more I respect you, and my fondness grows.
This might be too little, too late, but please don't let one of my smart-ass look-at-me-trying-desperately-to-be-funny comments affect you on ANY level deeper than pity.
(and I'm thrilled you had a good time!)
J.Ko,
It wasn't you, really. I know you meant no harm, (and the seating card was hilarious!), but there were some that did mean to hurt. But they just helped me to understand me a little bit better.
I take no umbrage to you, and I'm sorry if it sounds that way. You're great, and one of the reasons I had so much fun at the wedding. No grudge, no hard feelings, no problem. We be at peace! And there is no such thing as too little too late for me. You're a classy broad to apologize. As if you didn't know that already...
And if what J.ko said isn't enough let me say that you were one of the first people to treat as an insider when I started in the group. I have a whole lot of respect for you for that. Thanks so much for coming to our wedding. BTW Dog, this is a cool place you got here.
"Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences, but rather a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan."
I am touched by your closing statements, you'll find it someday.
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