...And knowing is half the battle!

So I don’t have cable.

Okay, now that those of you who’ve fallen from your seats have gotten back up, I will continue.

So I don’t have cable, which means that if I don’t want to read or study or do something vaguely enriching, I must either play a video game or watch a DVD. So I’m watching GI Joe: The Movie, amazed that I was amazed at the animation and depth of story. Say what you will about Transformers: The Movie, at least they had the balls to kill Optimus Prime, not to mention getting Orson Welles, Leonard Nimoy and Judd Nelson to do voice acting. What did they do for GI Joe? Put Duke in a coma (which he recovers from immediately following the victory over Cobra), and then get Don Johnson to voice the new plucky hero, and Burgess Meredith is the big heavy. No comparison. I mean, Judd Nelson vs. Don Johnson? I love “Miami Vice”, but, “Judd Nelson is fuckin’ harsh” (Mewes, Dogma)! GI Joe had the better toys, but Transformers had the better movie.
Anywhoozle, I notice on the menu the single greatest extra ever put on a DVD. No, it’s not commentary by the guy who did Snake Eyes’ voice (for the non-geek, he’s a mute), but all of the GI Joe public service announcements! Holy crap! Every single one!
So, as I am watching them, I see the one about fainting. Yes, there is one about fainting. There’s one for stereotyping, planning ahead, hell, there’s even one for when lightning strikes water! Name a potential disaster a child may find her/his way into, and GI Joe has a PSA for it.
Back to fainting. So, this boy faints in a mall, and Trip-Wire (he’s the expert on anti-personnel mines [detection] and explosives) shows up, and tells the kids to elevate Bobby’s feet, loosen his clothing, and get a cool, damp towel to mop his brow. This, he explains, is what you should do whenever anybody faints.
Here’s the weird part. It’s even weirder than the idea that the expert on fainting is the anti-personnel explosives expert. About eighteen months ago, a young lady fainted while I was working at the Triton Tutoring Center. As we lay her on the ground, I gave the same speech, damn near line for line! The only part I didn’t get to say, and looking back on it now I really wish I had the opportunity, was, “And knowing is half the battle!” To which the whole TTC could have chorused “G-I-JOOOEE!” and I would have smiled for a week.

G.I. Joe’s PSA’s saved the day. And they have obviously helped me out in so many other ways. For instance, I have never tried to jump my bike over a fallen power line. I’ve never pulled a fire alarm for fun. And I haven’t suffocated in an abandoned refrigerator, or any refrigerator for that matter. And the whole fainting episode written above. Face it, GI Joe may be the greatest safety-learning tool to ever exist on the planet. And it was always fun listening to the characters speaking in the regional dialects of the USA!
They need to bring back the GI Joe PSA’s. Except update them for the generation who grew up learning from them. They could have Lifeline, the pacifist hippie medic, talking about the dangers of unprotected sex. “Nobody has freckles on their ass, Billy! Use a condom or your dick will look like a cauliflower!” Or Rock n’ Roll can inform us on the hazards of hearing loss. His name is Rock n' Roll and he is a machine gunner, after all.
*Side note: the action figure for Rock n’ Roll was modeled after my health teacher, Dave Splan. No shit. I learned about allergic reactions from a GI Joe. Tell me that ain’t cool!*
Yeah, the PSA’s could be very handy for me. Shipwreck, the squid in his dungarees and bell-bottoms who sounds a little like Jack Nicholson, could have warned me about dating girls who’ve never been in serious relationships before. “Her insecurities will end the romance, and you’ll be left with a broken heart; and that's something even the sea can't wash away!” To which I could reply, "Not to mention my happiness capsized and my future dream of being a dad sidelined…Thanks Shipwreck, now I know.”

And knowing is half the battle.