31 July 2006

El Gringo Loco has arrived!

I have been inspired. Yes, I have been inspired by three people. Two of them are Ren (I am her standby husband, should hubby 1 break or something) and Stimpy (who I don't know), and they share this blog. The other is none other than Gringo, formerly known as Lord K, and before that he was just plain ol' Whitey MacTajas!
It turns out that not only can Gringo draw his ass off, but he also can write some very funny shit! Seriously had me in stitches last night. And since you, my beautiful, loyal and foolish readers turn to me for entertainment, I have decided that Gringo shall join me in a tag team of Blogitude! He, of course, has no choice; I am the Decider. I informed him of as much earlier today. I said, "Weak-minded yet talented fool! Join me on my blog! We will supply the massive number of readers (aside: hyperbole is a weakness of mine) with chuckles aplenty!"
His response: silence, then "Uh, okay." Blink, blink. Blink. "Can I eat now?"
I don't know, can you?

So, thank you beautiful wife and person I don't know, and as for you Gringo, make with the funny!

So this is something that happened LONG ago but I never thought to write about it.

"I'm Not An Alcoholic"

One night last Spring, when I first arrived here, my brother and I decided to buy a bottle of Jack Daniel's for a guys' night of fun. We walked to the local grocery store around the corner and bought a bottle. Y ou have to love discount prices, and they also had this little black cup thing on top which I figured was a measuring cup for pouring. How thoughtful! Actually, I was wrong.
We get home to discover that this is indeed a sensor that nobody bothered to take off. So now Big Bro and I had a problem before us: how do you get the top off without breaking the glass or wasting precious fluid? It was like an engineering problem gone wrong.

First I tried using only my hands, which readily make quick work of pickle jar lids and salad dressing bottles. I could get it to twist but it wouldn't go anywhere. Then I compressed the sides of the little cylinder, trying to crack the seal, again to no avail. Then showing that we are IN FACT advanced mammals, we began using simple tools. We brought out a wood chisel and tried to cut through a seam in the plastic. When that didn't work, we went to going under the cap and trying to pop it off. No dice. After all this we had managed to get some drops of whiskey running down the neck from having twisted the cap off, but still secured in place by the sensor.

After a suitable amount of thought and contemplation we found the solution: a power drill. Did you think we would just walk back to the store? No, no, no, that would have been silly. Big Bro came out with the power drill, made a couple of choice holes, and behold! we had freed the spirits from their prison.

Now I know this looks bad. You are so determined to get alcohol in your bloodstream that you break out power tools at half past eleven at night? We were just two typical guys solving a problem, that's all...I mean, the bottle lasted a while...and...yeah. That is just really bad.

::shamed face::

And just a couple of thoughts that flitted across the old brain, like a speckle of bird shit across the sun:
Any conversation is better when it's post-coital;
I'm really funny when you're drunk.

::Gringo

I tell ya, the kid's got talent!

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