For Susan, from California: Thank You

Today was incredible. A big ol’ dose of what I needed after yesterday, after this weekend; shit, it’s exactly what I needed for friggin’ ever!

Today I had a truly, classically romantic experience. What follows is true and wonderful and bittersweet and will soon be made into a short story, play, then film directed by Mike Nichols, who can’t direct a movie until it’s been directed as a play.

I was having just a shitty day at work. I got yelled at for suggesting facetiously that the greeter should wear sunglasses when it’ so sunny outside. Seriously, I got gang-bitched by three people who took me way too seriously. I should just wear a shirt: CAUTION: BULLSHIT PRESENT. KEEP SARCASM DETECTORS ON AT ALL TIMES.
But folks who take retail that seriously do scare me a lot. It’s clothing, you jerks. I know people who feed the homeless, do missions, teach to disadvantaged kids, and they don’t take themselves as seriously as you do. It’s not rocket science, it’s marketing. And so I jumped into a bit of Bill Hicks at work (click here), which really set the tone for the morning. Telling your boss what they do is evil, no, EVIL, true and deep, causing little girls to vomit so they’ll be thin enough, making men hate themselves because they’re not handsome enough, promoting fashion beyond function, charging too much money for shit made by five year old hands in countries they’ll never see on “E! Wild On…”, making fake boobs as common as real boobs type of EVIL, really gives them perspective on your career in retail.

That perspective is standing on the cliff’s edge, watching you fall.

So I go to lunch, and just get to relax a bit, take a load off, and it does me some good. I get downstairs and see a young woman by the backpacks. I ask her if she needs any help, and she looks at me, right in the eyes, smiles, and says, “Please.”

Ten thousand violins sweep into a crescendo of a note that has never been transcribed.
I feel the wind from an angel’s wing push the hair on the back of my neck.

So, I say, “Okay,” and we start talking about backpacks. And then we’re just talking. We’re talking about being active, and sports, and how much it sucks that her bike is broken. And I’m walking her to the register. She offers me her hand, and says, “I’m Susan, and I’d like to thank you for your help…”
I take her hand, and

Waves beach on rocks crash in my heart.
Real world swims away.
My breath falls away to a great height and I can’t hold her hand enough.
And she’s smiling and looking at me and she is perfect holding my hand.

So I say, “I’m Russ, and helping you was the best thing to happen to me today, Susan.” And she blushes, really blushes and I am so lost right now and she goes to the counter smiling.

I find out from a co-worker that we had been talking for a half-hour. I am going to ask this woman out, I decide. I couldn’t tell if there was a policy against it or not, but fuck that. I don’t want to go to bed tonight hoping that she’ll walk into the store again someday so I can say then what I can say right now. If the store has a policy, then I’m ignoring it; no, I’m breaking it.
I get a pen, and write down my name and both of my phone numbers. She’s done at the register, and she’s walking to the door, and I say, “Excuse me, Susan…” And she stops and turns toward me and she’s smiling already; she has to know what I’m going to do. I can feel the blush all over me. She is lovely, even under the store lights. She’s glowing from her own sun under her skin. She says, “Yes, Russ?” And how happy am I that she remembered my name!

“I was wondering, should you get your bike fixed, if you would like to go for a ride sometime?”

The longest seconds in history.


She smiles and says, “I would love to!
“But I leave for home tomorrow. I’m visiting family here.”
Still hopeful, I ask, “Where’s home?”
“California.”

We both see the disappointment on our faces.

And we start talking again, and she was an elementary school teacher but is now going into the private sector and thinks it’s amazing that I want to teach, too! And she just keeps getting lovelier as we’re talking and it’s because I’m never going to see her again.
She says, “I wish I’d come in sooner,” which she read in my eyes.

And we say goodbye, still looking at each other.

And today was a great day, because a beautiful woman named Susan was sweet and warm to me, and looked at me in a way that I haven’t been looked at in a while. I don’t know what she saw, but I know how it made me feel.

And today was a great day because I am going to bed free of regret, because I tried, and she did, too.
Thank you, Susan, for sharing your time, and your lovely voice, and your adorable smile with me. Thank you for listening to my prattle about backpacks, and laughing with me. Thank you for letting me look at you.

Thank you Susan, for being the best part of my day.