23 August 2006

Windy Nights

Here is an issue with sleeping by someone new. What do you do about farts? If you haven't gotten to that stage where you can freely pass wind in front of each other but you really need to let one rip, what do you do?

Do you get up and go to the bathroom and fart with the water on as a clever cover for your intentions? But what if they wake up as you get off the bed and decide to use the restroom after you? Then it will smell like poo-gas and you are the only culprit.

Maybe you could try to let it out silently? But what if you think it will be silent but in fact comes out sounding like Chewbacca getting raped, or it comes out smelling like vomited cabbage soup? How disgusting that would be if you were woken up by a warm breeze under the sheets and an odor likened to a corpse's belly button. Dammit, such decisions!

The other night I had gone to the Girly's for taco-fiesta night and then she came back to stay with me. I woke up in the wee hours of the next morning with some absolutely huge ones brewing in the brown-cloud factory. I didn't want to get up because I didn't want to wake her; plus I was also way too lazy to get out of bed. They, the farts, felt more windy than smelly so I decided to take a chance. I aimed away from her under the covers and grabbed both cheeks and spread them like parting the curtains on the worst possible peep show ever. I could have hovered golf balls with the force of air that whooshed out of me man. That combined with having no discernible smell made it quite good I must say, and the Girly remained in a peaceful slumber.

::GringO::

4 comments:

Zeepdoggie & GringO said...

My rule of thumb is, until they fart in front of you (or leave the bathroom smelly), you may not fart in front of them. I could tell you stories, my friend...

Anonymous said...

As you are wise I shall follow your judgement as well as my own intuition on this one. I've started burping in front of her though. The beer is taking the blame but its all part of the master scheme leading to farts.

Zeepdoggie & GringO said...

You could do far worse than follow my judgement. You could follow my example, for one...

Zeepdoggie & GringO said...

Do you know what I find amazing? That, as a species, we can "feel" whether a fart is stinky or windy, dry or damp. Where is the survival trait in being able to determine the nature and consistency of brown notes?